I believe it, but only because I know I have good eyesight

Dear University of Illinois,

Srsly?

Love,

R. "And I bet the crotchety board members of yore were only pissed off that they couldn't put the Chief's face on this craptrap*" R.

*- My initial thoughts.

P.S.- I would like to spread the word to incoming students that having school spirit doesn't mean throwing the word "pink" on cheaply made foreign goods and crudely plastering your alma mater's name across your ass. I'm sure the proceeds of this disgusting licensing venture will only go towards the most altruistic of causes, not some crappy new athletic "whatever". Not saying the athletes don't deserve anything, but first things first; the last time I was in fair Champaign, Lincoln Hall was "one good elbow nudge on a load bearing brick" away from becoming a catacomb.

P.P.S.- Now that the school has gone the way of the salacious (come on, people equate Victoria's Secret with sex) , I say we finally start taking donations from the most notable and hospitable alum of the school's rich and varied history, Hugh Hefner.

Is this what I have to look forward to?

Lady one:
"Hey, wanna go for a swim?"

Lady two:
"No thanks, I'm feeling a little irregular today."

Me, annoyed with unrealistic Activia commercial and then coming to a sad realization about adult prospects of conversation:
"WHO SAYS THAT TO ANYONE?"
"Well, YOU might once you run out of things to talk about."

Illini 'til I die

Which explains why I would ever even consider such an unnecessary item clearly aimed at desperate alumni clinging to their undergraduate yesteryears. Or because it's pretty damn cute. But mostly the first one.

I need hobbies

It is utterly amazing how much a sip of 7-up followed immediately by a Cool Ranch* Dorito tastes like a shot of Cuervo. I thought I was back in Mexico for a moment.


*- Note, experiment was conducted accidentally and the level of "coolness" implied by Frito Lay corporation of said ranch may affect your results.


Also, we had a freaking Moon Bounce in our backyard for the 4th of July. Be jealous, bitches!